The hardest thing I have ever had to do…

We cut Hutton’s hair today.  It was without a doubt the most traumatic/worst thing I have ever done in my life.

We have been prepping Hutton that the chemo will make her lose her hair and that since her hair is so long we can cut it and use it to make a wig if she wants. Bottom line is she does not want to lose her hair…but that is not an option with this chemo.

If you see Hutton, you see her hair. Her long, beautiful hair.  We have cut (trimmed) her hair maybe 4 times in her life. She LOVES her long hair.  She loves wearing her hair down.  She is VERY specific about what she likes done to her hair; one braid for gymnastics practice, 2 top knots for gymnastics competitions, 2 French braids when we go camping, down and curled for pictures, and down for school. When she is in the hospital I French braid her hair so that it doesn’t get tangled and it is out of her face.  

I had noticed after her first round of chemo that she was losing a little bit of her hair, nothing too drastic.  After this last stay in the hospital her hair loss was very noticeable.  She took a shower and after the shower asked if I would blow dry her hair.  I said yes, while holding back tears, knowing that this would be the last time I would blow dry her beautiful long hair. 

I have done everything in my power to not let Hutton see me cry.  It took everything in me to not cry as I dried her hair.  As I was brushing it and drying it a lot of hair was coming out.  I knew that cutting her hair was going to come sooner rather than later.  I prepped her that we would braid her hair and then cut right above the braid and she would have short hair like mommy’s. Even with her seeing that she was losing her hair and knowing that if she wanted a wig to be made with her own hair she still did not want to cut her hair. 

To say the experience was traumatic would be an understatement. Last night, I braided her hair and showed her where mimi would cut it.  She was crying, I was crying, Mimi was crying. I am not going to sugar coat it.  It was HORRIBLE.  Hutton and I were holding hands and crying as Mimi was cutting off Hutton’s braid.  As soon as it was cut she immediately said “Get it away! I don’t want to see it!”.  We hugged and sobbed together.  

She is not used to her new short hair.  To say she doesn’t like is an understatement.  She does not want to talk about it, she does not want to see it, saying “I am never looking in a mirror again!”. She will absolutely not allow any pictures of it, although I did sneak one pic. 

To see your child go through something like this is absolutely horrific. To be so utterly helpless is the worst feeling in the world.